People-Pleasing and Self-Blame Became Toxic for Me

5 reasons it’s different for me now…

Looking back now, I realize that at a very young age my conditioning and coping became this: Making other people happy would equate to my happiness and personal emotional safety. Even if it meant sacrificing my own needs, the math seemed simple. If others were happy, then I had permission to be happy. I also began to fear and believe that saying no would bring disappointment, conflict, and could jeopardize the relationship. It only brought on more fear and shame. Early on I was faced with a challenge. What could I do if my needs were not getting met despite my efforts to please others?

When I was younger, I sought safety by creating fantasy worlds where everyone just got along with each other. I became an isolator and that felt safe. Why should I be blamed for others’ unhappiness? If I was happy, then why couldn’t others around me be happy for me? Why was their bad mood my problem and fault? Withdrawing and isolating from others became a way to get back at people. For me, it was my way of protesting others’ poor treatment of me and disregard for my needs and feelings. It was revenge. Little did I realize it was only creating more harm than good for me.

The challenge became more complex because my self-awareness, acceptance, and self-efficacy and resiliency skills were…